The Different One/ Dreams/ Falling/ The Game/ Hold Onto Me/ Hopeless/ Loss of Innocence/ Masked/ The Middle Path/ Mirror/ Moon Sister/ Replay/ Self Portrait/ The Teenage Path/ Truth or Dare?/ Venus' Glory/ Wood Spirit
The Different One
Blooming red roses
But one stands yellow
Same but different in its way.
I dreamt one night of a flying dove
Swooping down from the black heavens
Thunder and lightening shook the world to it's core
And threw the dove unconscious to the ground
Then I dreamt of a stretch of forest
Through this woods a crying maiden walked
Her features unclear her figure blurred
As the vision drew nearer I reached toward her
And found her to be a void nothingness
My next dream took place in a poor cold dirty village
Salty tear like rain poured onto this place
It's inhabitants all bickered with one another
Suddenly the gray sky burst open
And cast onto the village a ray of light
But only for a second before the sky closed up again for a dark future
In my last dream gray skies were still omnipotent
I, the narrator, was knight in this dream
I marched bravely up to an old castle
The place from which all of my suffering had come
Inside I found a villain, ready for battle
Our swords were our words and he started the duel
"You shall never go on with your life" he hissed in my ear
"You're mine now and must suffer forever."
"That is not what the world intended us to be" replied I and my words struck him like a sword in the chest
And he fell dead at my feet
With no ending breath
When I came from the castle the heavens had brightened
To be gray on some days but mostly sunny
Hence I descended from my place of suffering
And started down my long road of life.
I am falling from this world,
I cannot hold on,
I grasp for your hand,
But it isn't there.
Never there when I need you,
Others help me, usually,
But now even they cannot hear my cries.
"Mommy, Daddy!" I yell out,
"Sister, brother, friend.
Find me before it's too late,
Put my suffering to an end."
But I can't rely on you for help,
You worsen my situation.
I reach for your hand when falling to the dirt,
But you just push it further
Without your consent you start on this game,
And face a complexion of days, each the same.
At this point of your life the game's not too hard,
As easy as anything, you play the right cards.
But soon this part stops; your life starts to get tricky.
Problems are hard to decipher and you get really picky.
You discover there's nowhere to hide and nowhere to run,
And suddenly you realize, the game's no longer fun.
But what does it matter, you cannot escape,
So you start to go crazy and get bent out of shape.
But as hard as life is, you begin to manage it all,
And then the next part of the game takes its turn to call.
Everything near you has a new meaning,
From the meaning of life to detergent for cleaning.
And as your brain advances in your head, like a pod,
You find yourself questioning the meaning of G-d.
You realize that G-d gave you blessing and torture,
He gave you memories both happy and quite poor.
Your innocent childhood is now locked in the past,
And years ago was when you saw it last.
Congratulations, you made it through the toughest part of the game,
With what you have learned, success you can gain.
But remember, the world is not always good,
And in some ways you're forever stuck in the adolescent woods.
Hold Onto Me
You can't stop me from going out there,
If I hide it will find me,
I must face my fears.
The world demands that they disappear,
"You must fit in and be liked," it tells me,
"Isn't that what you want?"
I'm scared of fitting in,
I get excited by it but then my feeling changes.
And it's so hard, to get in,
I hear life knocking on the door.
Time is out, back into the game.
I must obey the command.
But take one second before I go.
Hold onto me.
You're all alone on this dark, mast earth,
You've existed this way ever since birth.
You're trapped in a box; you cannot get out,
There's no way to move and no way to shout.
Cramped is your body in this scrunched up position,
It numbs your whole mind and you forget your life mission.
You're on the edge of consciousness, you barely exist,
You're name's fading off G-d's "alive" list.
You've given up hope, you don't know what to do,
Yourself and this whole world has beaten you black and blue.
After awhile, you just want to die,
So you take out a knife, and commit suicide.
Loss of Innocence
A dead child lies cradled in your arms,
With ashen gray skin and hair.
Her cheeks were once rosy, her hair once golden,
Her laugh as joyous as birds' cries.
Beautiful child surrounded by a beautiful world,
Until one day the path she walked was filled with unanswerable questions.
Temptations of evil were roused in her breast,
She gasped in high falsetto, shriveled up and died,
Bringing the beautiful world with her.
The result was you.
An older version of herself, you can walk this barren land,
You can face the questions: shall I have sex today?
Shall I smoke today?
Shall I drink alcohol today?
Shall I take drugs today?
Shall I commit suicide today?
But the questions are hard, and the weight of the little girl bears you down.
You cannot part with her,
She was your innocence.
You've wasted your life,
Being someone you're not,
You've put on a mask
And used it a lot.
You've lied to your friends
And you've lied to yourself
Denied who you are,
Refused any help.
You believe that your faults
Are all that's not cool.
Popularity is perfect,
You've used it as your tool.
But now the mask's off,
You can't put it back on.
You're no longer queen,
You're only a pawn.
But do not you fret,
I have advice to offer.
If you love your true self,
Your pain will grow softer.
If you realize at last
That "normal's" not best
Then you'll be happier than most,
You'll ace the life test.
So to others you should
Pass on this task-
Accept your true self,
And take off the mask.
The Middle Path
Since I've been a teenager
At least this much is true,
No answers can come easily
I can't love nor I can't hate you.
Each thought involves some insight
Each answer is confusing,
My values re-arrange themselves,
My path of life I'm choosing.
All I want to do one day
Is wake up nice and young,
Answers won't involve a second thought,
I'll finally have some fun.
But such a fate is impossible,
Teenage I must remian,
I'll get older but life won't get easier,
If anything it'll be the same.
So on with my life and hypocrisy,
Never more shall I laugh,
Doomed forever is my life
On this middle path.
A person pours out her troubles to me,
She cries and I listen,
At the rolling blue sea.
But what hides behind the enigma of my eyes?
Do I truly care for her?
Or is that a sack of lies?
Do I stare into her troubles,
And reflected back is me?
I feel my own pain,
But what of that of she?
Thunder rolls from above,
Cold rain splashes on the earth,
I lay in the midst of a dark forest,
Then suddenly I look towards the heavens,
Two gray clouds in my gaze part,
An errie light is cast onto the Earth.
Down this light pathway walks the Moon Sister.
Her skin as pale as Death,
Her dark eyes sharp on me.
Tangled, thin black hair cascades to her shoulders,
She reaches my side; she takes my hand,
Cold fear is spread throughout my body.
She starts to lead me up the pathway,
Mechanically, I follow.
Take me to your world, O Moon Sister,
Let me suffer no more, feel no pain,
Let me share your immortality,
Be mysterious and free.
Like you, I'd come back to this Hell to take the suffering away,
And I'd visit my family.
A VIOLENT STOP!
What would happen to my family if I went with you, O Moon Sister?
Would they mourn and grieve at my loss for days?
Would they say a quick prayer and soon forget about me?
Would I cause them suffering?
The Moon Sister swerves towards me.
"You cannot go with me," she angrily accuses,
"You care too much about others; you are sacrificing yourself.
You will continue suffering so your family won't suffer."
She is violently thrust from me and disappears,
And I am thrown down to the cold, dark soil.
The words play over and over in my head,
Explanation and comfort are hard to hold on to,
Illogical reasoning runs my brain
Nowhere to turn,
Nowhere to hide.
G-d, am I crazy?
To believe these heart felt lies?
Such words will push me to my early grave,
I dig more with each worry,
Survival is not an option.
But it is!
When the light shines through,
When the pain decays,
When I take deep breaths,
Everything is gonna be OK.
So reasonable, so true,
Why can't I trust you?
'Cause the darkness of fear draws me back,
Toys with my mind,
Wind up toy.
And illogical words repeat themselves
And I believe them,
Flowing like a river,
Over crumbling stone,
Which are my cheeks,
Cold and alone,
Dying in darkness,
The vacuum of space surrounds me.
In my bed,
With my soul,
Scarred by the past,
Mute in a talking world,
I speak English in Spain,
My failing country.
This is me,
Alone in a crowd,
Oblivious to the world,
Powerless against society,
Take my hand,
The Teenage Path
I feel myself walking in a dense woods,
Getting farther away from human society with each step,
And feeling more lost.
Temptation comes to me in these woods,
"Give up your personality!
It sounds appealing,
These villages poked in the woods can lead me to a town,
But will it be my town?
Is my home there?
Will every house in that town look like the last?
And what of the inhabitants?
Will they all be the same?
Damn this normal,
Where is my normal?
Does no one care what I value?
What I feel?
Who I am?
Who am I?
So many unanswerable questions,
Will they help me find the way home?
Truth or Dare?
You've gagged me and you've hauled me off,
Told me who I am inside,
What the problem is and how I should change,
You don't see how I internally die.
You see my reflection but not my soul,
And the advice that you offer does not help the whole.
You seem to want to convince yourself
That I'm OK and fixable,
Then you want to sit me on a shelf,
Where I'll smile through tears and be cordial.
The worst thing is that you make me believe
All of your lies and I want to change myself,
But change takes time for the Damaged One,
And I know in my core that my work here's not done.
Will you dare yourself to learn true 'bout me?
And accept that answers are complex or not there?
Will you try not to fix but to understand,
And in the end provide real help?
Sign this pledge or don't get involved!
You can either help or hurt me.
And if you chose to ignore this truth,
Then I will walk on my own,
As unfiltered truth fills me and the enemy.
Arise fair goddess,
Let me make you my queen,
So forever I may look at you with grace,
Whenever you wish I shall stop to admire you
Sun flickering through your hair
Perfect tanned body
This, O Venus, is how I imagine you
How I long for your beauty
To walk with a lighter step
To laugh for all eternity
Your beauty, O Venus, is so divine
That every woman wants your face at her tea party.
Only with me and some others do you not show your grace
You have scarred our insides so we think we look bad
Therefore you look more beautiful.
Even still is uglies are caught by your style
So that we love you and you use us again and again
If one would peel off your body
He or she would find a scarred soul
Worse than mine or anyone like mine's
Filled with the knowing
That you have done wrong
And you're too evil to know how to fix it.
I long to return to the trees
And feel the cold whippin 'round my face,
I long for that feeling I used to get,
Completeness, I guess,
I long for the days when obliv'nation was fine,
It didn't matter when the bells chime.
And more than that, I didn't care
'Bout my incompetence here or there.
I feel as though I left something in those woods,
Happiness, I guess,
But now the only substitute that I can find,
Is a big aegis to shield my mind.
'Cause out in civilization I get no reward
For my strengths or covenant to my Lord,
But only into society must I adapt,
A quality which I completely lack,
So now you know why the trees are my home,
And where my motivation comes for this poem.
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