Abyss/ Angel/ Blue Eyed Gal/ The Cold Still Air/ Complimentary Love/ Dreamology/ Gray Fields/ I Love You: Hate Me/ Hole/ My House/ The Rose/ Sand Castle/ There was a Time/ Verbal Gun
Abyss
I stood over the abyss of Hell
Watching all the bubbling lava of rage
The darkness of the endless pit
The darkness of being alone.
I could see every crevice and color- I was that close
You pushed me, but not with your hands
We shared one mind; I hardly knew myself from you
But at the Abyss I suddenly cracked.
This was your home, not mine
You dragged me here through your manipulation
This place spelled my death
And forces I did not know where pulling me back.
I came so far, I no longer saw the crevices
No longer saw the colors
But then you pummeled into me
Toppling us over the edge.
But I saved myself this time
The Abyss had haunted my spirits too long
I did not miss your look of surprise
As you suddenly lost your control.
You violated me when I was young and innocent
Did you really expect me to stay that way?
With your influence, tearing through my flesh
For the innocence to survive?
You created me from anger
And I adapted to your abuse
Molding myself to fit your life
But I finally broke the chains to that.
I'm my own woman now
Not the innocent girl, not the depression
I survived your Hell as I did mine
And the little girl is dead.
I spent my life, mourning what you took away
Now I'm thankful for the person you've made me
She, who has experience with evil
And a longing for good.
So I move on, with my past
Move on, with all I've become
And someday I won't remember your touch
Some day you'll be gone.
Angel
I saw an angel several years ago
With heart that surpassed all the years of time,
But world is not for those innocent, so,
Her goodness ceased to spread out from her mind.
The terrors brought on by a wounded soul
Came evident through her so drastic flight.
The only ones from whom she got console
Were demons who made haven in the night.
Perilous journey, years on end did prove
Her mind could beat Nemesis and 'come free
But changed was her because of all in lieu,
And I know this because that girl was me.
If I can prove something throughout this verse
'Twould be with angels whom we should converse.
Blue Eyed Gal
The blue eyed gal haunts my dreams
Every night- inward screams
She won't depart, I can't escape,
Although she knows it's now too late.
Why won't she go to her own grave?
Why does she still try to me save?
She's dead, she's gone, her power too,
Moons ago I became you.
She defies all logic, blue eyed fiend,
Once my friend when not a dream,
Once myself before her death,
When she wavered, how I wept!
She holds her fingers to my hand
"Won't you join me in Never Land?"
O how I could, if would be so,
But only way I know to go
Is drive a dagger 'cross the stream
Of logical life. O, how mean!
Real people told me I'd be His
If I dared to take my life with this.
But still she sings me Puff's old song,
Dragon kept in world that's gone
From you and me, but not the gal,
The only one who can reach it now.
The blue eyed gal haunts my dreams,
My once self is now dead gleam.
The Cold Still Air
The cold still air
Makes cold still hearts.
These times ourselves
We can't depart.
My legs, they move,
Like hardened ice,
Through choppy wind
And stormy strife.
The air does push
To happier place,
The soul remains
Bound in same place.
Air can be 'scaped
But souls cannot,
The outside's saved,
The inside rots.
The cold still air
Makes cold still hearts.
These times ourselves
We can't depart.
Complimentary Love
I long to be there when my true love comes,
To see him ride forth gallantly through night,
To see him next day standing in the sun,
Basked in all the glory of his flight.
"I rode for her," quoth he, "my guiding star,
The one who keeps the world go spinning round,
I knew I'd find her if I traveled far,
And I know this; 'tis she who wears the crown."
He'd kiss me then and world would change to love,
The bond of which the Fates did match themselves,
The world would see the flight of newborn dove,
Through bondage of the soldier and the elf.
For my true love is compliment of me,
And we fit to a puzzle perfectly.
Dreamology
Dedicated to Nancy
Dream, dream, what art thou, pray?
Thee, who is dauntless,
Thee, who dost ride the waves of time,
Thee, who strings memories and fiction
Into a neclace of deformity
Which we mortals so willingly accept
In the oblivion of slumber?
Pray, do you tell us of human nature,
Of what we know to be?
Of what we want to be?
The deepest innards of ourselves?
Or all the former?
How canst thou show thyself
Thy multi-dimensional body, to our three dimensional souls?
What offering of Truth and Peace dost thou give us?
But thy Hyde, the Nightmare,
How can he be so loathing?
So as to scare us with dark fantasies
Or long forgotten evils of ourselves?
The gates of Hell hath turned this beast on us!
As Heaven has graced us with thee.
Perhaps you were meant to fight
On the playing field of time
As good does evil.
O, Dream, now I see thy blessing,
What you and Nightmare have been teaching all along,
You are not the illusion of a wandering soul,
But the secret of life.
Gray Fields
I used to paint with blackened ink
Across a whitened sky,
A cartoon world of play and myth
And sometimes death and lies.
A simpler world for simpler times
Displeased society though,
So I grew up through Hell and fire
And let that past world go.
Black ink then mixed with snow white paper
Through my so miserable fray,
Drip drop, drip drop, ugly color,
The ugly color of gray.
Through grayish fields, the world is good
Exactly when it's bad,
And times when you'd be most happy
Is when you'd be most sad.
But though life now is more complex
One thing I do hold true,
Gray fields brings adult reality
And society's own world too.
I Love You: Hate Me
I say "I love you,"
Every day
In anguished voice
And trembling skin,
You answer me
Hurriedly
Like an old, scratched record
Being played again.
One second later
I'm struck by surprise
I said it again,
But why?
I try to stop myself,
To know it inside
But once I get scared
To fear I abide.
But the oddest thing is
Each time I say
"I love you,"
I hate myself more.
As if we're arch enemies
As if I've betrayed myself.
On some level I have
Revealed my vulnerability.
I wander through darkness
Surrounded by hate
Love is far off
Sometimes I forget it's there,
Sometimes intertwined with the hate
In an intricate mattress
Which I show to you
When I say "I love you: hate me."
Hole
Hole in my head
Hole in my heart
All so internal
They'd never see.
All so within
Behind a mask
Which I found to be a veil
Not opaque, but transparent.
They point at the holes
They laugh and they whisper
They don't understand
I did it for them.
So they wouldn't hear me
So they wouldn't feel me
But now they see me
And that is enough.
For romors and unkindness
Intensity and sadness
Depending on the sex
Depending on the maturity.
How angry I feel
When I realize they laugh
At the darkness I guarded them from
The darkness I feel.
And my anger spreads
I can not contain it
Comes bursting out
From the holes in my skin.
And some day I fear
It will pierce through their skin
And they'll have holes too
And they'll be darkness.
And the more rage I feel
The more I slip from control
I care less and less
They deserved it all along.
My House
I hate this house,
With it's submerged lies
And meaningless joys.
I hate this house,
Where everyone screams
Covered by a mask of sarcasm.
I hate this house,
Where I hear muted televisions
And see dirties floors.
I hate this house,
Where ghosts dance in the halls
And my only friends are their scapegoats.
Only when I'm alone,
When the lies decay,
When the people go away,
When the television's off,
And the floors don't matter,
When the ghosts do matter,
And my friends are no ones fiends,
Can I revoke my statement
That I hate this house.
The Rose
I planted a rose
In the garden of life
I planted a rose
It grew in the light.
With beautiful petals
For others to see
With blood sucking thorns
Directed at me.
I offered my rose
Both day and both night
I offered my rose
Without any slight.
But they took my petals
And ripped them from me
I couldn't fight back
Was drowned by blood sea.
When all petals gone
I could not contain
The anger inside me
Much power it gained.
So blood overflowed
Into my 'din
Staining the flowers
With all my sin.
I don't know how long
I will have to wait
For blood to dry up
And open my gate.
But no matter the years
No matter the pain
The rose was destroyed
By my "damaged" brain.
Sand Castle
Sand was for castles in 1989,
Deep, oval, vulnerable and weak,
We crafted them each day with our bare hands,
Setting off under the burning sun.
As others went to find more stable toys
We built the same thing every day.
Fashioning it to the perfection of a 6-year-old,
We'd enjoy our creation.
Beaming down on it, like the sun,
Shadows crossing it, as our swings moved back and forth.
Then the time would end and we'd go back inside.
Learn, leave, sleep, as the moon took vigil,
Then we'd wait all day to see our sand castle again.
But when we finally did set out under the sun
Our marvel was destroyed by foreign feet.
And we'd rage and we'd cry and complain,
And then we'd start anew.
As we did before, as we would, seemingly forever,
Craft a new sand castle.
There was a Time
There was a time
When "right now" was fun
And future exciting.
There was a time
When I eyed older girls
Waiting for their dips and curves.
There was a time
When the teenage voice was pure
And the teenage student genius.
There was a time
When this time came no more
And future was reality.
But my body is a glob
Voice worn down by age
And dumber I seem to be.
Back in that time
I prayed to escape my youth
Now I pray for its return.
And I wonder, when little girls stare at me,
Do they see what I saw then,
Or what this "future" really is?
Now is a time
When reality's a struggle,
And then is just a memory.
Verbal Gun
I've sat and watched while you've twisted crude words in your mouth and spat them out like Hell fire,
Condemning those with any supposed deformity from ear to ear,
"She's fat," "She's dumb," "She's gay," you say as casually as a summer's breeze,
While I watch on with the condition of a thunderstorm.
I've seen you in tears over your supposed state, your supposed deformities,
I've felt your loneliness through my own painstaking path,
We know how the "deformed" feel.
But still you say slander to those you aspire- cutting down the very people who'd be your friends,
How you sicken me to take your verbal gun and aim it at you!
But I do not, for I know the pain of being cut down,
I will not, to stay true to my own "deformed" state.
But don't count on the ones whom you giggle with so maliciously,
Just as you've condemned the ones who aspire you,
The ones you aspire will condemn you.
